Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Seventeen years ago today….I was not the woman who I had envisioned becoming. At the age of 16 for whatever reason and who knows what the motivation was….I started the long, painful task of dismantling my life. So from 16 to the age of 33 I was a runaway train. I know today that I have a penchant for anything I can obsess over….they call it addiction. Anyhow, what the last seventeen years of soul searching have taught me is not to judge or suppose, someone else by their looks or their clothes or even their addiction. I have no idea of knowing what their lifestyle is or how they got there or what their pains are. They way they maneuver through their life is their business as was mine albeit mine was destructive. It is not easy to arrest my display of judgment of others, but I make it a conscious effort daily to keep my own side of the street clean. There is no magic in how my mind works...in fact I am fond of saying, “My head is like a bad neighborhood, I try not to go in there alone.” I am human so I am flawed. But where I am is mandatory if I am to walk in the light. It’s all about self-respect and honor. I respect and honor the life I was given and the work I do.
The Ranch is the big gift I think, for the light that I have allowed to come into my life. The students are all extensions of that light and a power greater than me, speaks through them. That light shines through Jorma too and always has, even through his darkest days. When I met Jorma, he told me that we were part of a bigger picture and to trust that more would be revealed. I thought I knew what he was talking about...but then my life took an ugly path. I moved to Ohio and I thought, “Oh, this is what he meant.”. But it wasn’t. Then I chose a sober life and I thought, “Oh, this is what he meant.” But it wasn’t. Then the Ranch presented itself to us and I thought, “Oh, this is what he meant.” But it wasn’t. Then Jorma gave me a son (long story...too long to tell here), and I thought, “Oh, this is what he meant.” But it wasn’t. Then I went to China to find my daughter and I thought, “Oh, this is what he meant.” But it wasn’t. Now, even though I think it is a clearer message it probably isn’t. To simplify all of this...I can say that I find comfort in knowing that I have always been watched over and that the path behind me and the one ahead is all about doing good work , being kind, honoring my life and the lives of those around me.
I would be denying my own truth if I did not say that I think Jorma is one of G-d’s greatest gift to me and to those who he inspires. He is a force...and those that know him, know what I am saying here. Today we celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary. I know...so much to celebrate and to be grateful for. Every year he writes me a beautiful letter on this day and our growth is evident is his words. I’d love to post his entire letter...especially the part where he says...How I am without a doubt one of the most singular, amazing, purposeful and loving people that I have ever met and how I am more beautiful today than I ever was and Oh I’m hot too...but I won’t. (oops). I’ll just post the beginning because it is what I am speaking of...it is the healing that fills us, what motivates us and what keeps me sober.
From Jorma...On This Day……
Twenty Two years and some five months ago, you and I met under the strangest and most fortuitous circumstances. Strange because given our paths at the time our journeys would not seemed to have decreed such a meeting, but meet we did. One wonders after all is said and done what fate the Hand Of G_d had in store for any of us, but indeed I believe that there are no coincidences. There was a purpose in our meeting and though I’m sure more is yet to be revealed, in the journey there have been uncounted gifts.
Beyond sweet...right? I am living a full life today because of true acceptance for all things and a singular inner command that permeates my true path.......
Posted by Vanessa Lillian at 11:54 AM
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